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Saturday, July 22

Trust

Isn't trust supposed to be easy? Is it automatic or is a decision made every single day? I suck at trusting people. Truly I do. I tell myself I trust people, I tell other people I trust them and most days I actually convince the both of us. Trouble is when it comes down to actually doing the trusting I fail miserably. I'm becoming convinced I simply don't know how to do it. Is it supposed to be hard? Is it a struggle for other people?


I don't mean trusting someone who has hurt you or who has betrayed you. I mean trusting someone you know in every rational part of your brain you should trust. Someone who has only ever had your best interest at heart. Someone who loves you completely, cares for you deeply, and trusts you completely. Shouldn't trusting that person just be easy. Shouldn't it just be so?


I wonder sometimes if I have become so damaged over the course of my life that I am not capable of truly trusting anyone. What if I can't do it? It's not the other persons fault. They've done nothing wrong, the deserve all the trust in the world but what if I can't figure out how to give that?


I know what it is I seek. I think I know what it is supposed to feel like. Sort of, in a love story movie kind of way. Something I have seen, heard about, know exists but haven't really felt. I have always doubted. I have always relied on myself more than anyone. Ever.


Ya know that stupid test...the one where you stand in front of someone and fall backwards*. You trust them to catch you when you fall. Every time I have let myself fall I have landed on my ass. I suppose at some point I expected someone to catch me. Maybe. I can't honestly say when that was. Isn't that sad. Pitiful. Broken.


The worst part is I know I have someone who will catch me every time now and still every once in a while I panic and I doubt. I am so afraid I'll ruin everything. Silly, unreasonable and irrational. I know I can trust him, I just simply don't know how to go about it.



* Oh that test? Never. I have never tried it. I have backed out, excused myself, whatever I had to do to get out of it.

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