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Tuesday, June 20

It's final

Today at 1:30 pm I was in court. Waiting on the judge. I was so worried about being late and this guy rolls in 20 minutes later. Anyway, I digress. I was in court, appearing at the final judgment for my divorce from the moron. Do you wonder why I call him that...wait there is a perfect example coming. The whole procedure was really quite simple. Wait your turn...stand before the judge..reply to his questions simply, respectfully, and directly. Don't say more than needed as he'll tell you to just answer what's asked anyhow. He asked if the marriage was broken down and if we could never again live as husband and wife. I refrained from yelling "HELL YES!" and respectfully said "yes, sir". He asked if I was pregnant..I again was respectful and shoved the "thank GOD no" down deep. He asked several other trivial things like are your statements true and do they remain so and such things like that. Lastly he asked if we agree to the friend of the court recommendation for child support. Here is where the moron showed his true colors. He could have spoken up and stated that how the recommendation was made when he was working and how now he had lost that job (and three other in the meantime) and had the support order lowered. He stood silent. Are you wondering why? He didn't want to admit he wasn't working. It's in the judgment that he is unemployed. He didn't want to say it out loud because there was a room full of people. His pride took the place of his sense. I of course didn't' help him out. He's on his own now. I said I agreed with the recommendation. The judge had already warned me about answering only what is asked so I wasn't about to go venturing new information. I did, however, try to do my part and help the poor prideful moron out. After the proceedings I helpfully pointed out that the friend of the court office was on the sixth floor and advised that he go and find out what he needs to do to have it lowered. His reply? "I can't now I don't have time." Ummm...ok. No job, no prospects but toooooo busy? Whatever.

Everyone keeps asking me how I am. How am I supposed to be? I honestly don't know. I am a little bit sad, a lot glad, a little bit lonely...I am generally alright. It's not as though this was a surprise. It been a long time coming. It's just a little bit sad when I look at the little guy. I feel badly he won't have the family I had hoped for him. I feel bad that he will grow up longing for it just as I did as a child. I am a little bit scared as to what people will think of me now too. Twice divorced. Makes me sound like such a loser. Makes me feel like I have to explain the whys and how comes. The first one was my own selfish fault. I swore to anyone who would listen that it was the last, that I'd never do it again. Then the moron. He was abusive and I put up with it for years. Did all the textbook stuff. Let him push my friends and family away....let him make me believe it was my fault. I was a bit of a mess just over a year ago. I did escape though, I did come to my senses, I did file for divorce and I know it was best for me and for my children. Doesn't make it any easier. Doesn't make people look at twice divorced with any less measure of disgust. Explaining it only brings pity and I don't want that. AT. ALL. Between a rock and a hard place.

Do you know the worst of it...it makes it so hard to trust again. It makes it so hard to believe again. It makes it so hard to dream again. That's what hurts the most, that he stole all of that from me. I feel like I am always trying to become the girl I lost a long time ago. It's such an effort to hope. None of it comes naturally anymore. It all comes from great long discussions with myself late at night when I can't sleep. Pros and cons, questions without answers, self-doubt. I still struggle, though some days less than others. I am getting that girl back...slowly but surely.


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