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Wednesday, October 11

lonely nights

It's 7:48 pm. The little guy fell asleep at 6:30. The older guys are at their Dads. M is in bed asleep, time difference makes it very late where he is. The is nothing on TV. I don't want to clean the house. I don't want to do laundry. I don't even want to call anyone to chat. I don't want to read. I am not even sleepy enough to convince myself to go to bed early. I hate living on my own. I'm not depressed. I'm not scared. I am just extraordinarily lonely. I want more. I don't care how greedy that sounds. It's not that I am unhappy in general. I just want more. Is that so awful? To expect more than lonely nights? This seemingly unending string of them punctuated with a taste, now and then,of life without them. A little tease that leaves me counting down the days until I can savor the next bite.

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