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Saturday, October 7

Ending of a Chapter

I have only lived, as an adult, in one home that wasn't rented. Only two in my lifetime. Feeling settled isn't something I have a whole lot of experience with. When my ex-husband and I bought our house I was so full of hope. I had so many dreams.

There were rose bushes in the back yard that I adored. Oh, the back yard! It was huge. I would stand and gaze out the back door and just smile at all the space my children had to play in. I felt proud to have finally provided a safe place for them to play.

The house had so much potential. It was older, yes, but solid. I dreamed of decorating and making it feel more and more ours. I dreamed of my children bringing my grandkids to visit me there. I loved the house and thought I'd never move from it. I even told the kids so.

That feels at once a lifetime away and just yesterday.

Today, I went to the house to gather the last bits and pieces that I had left there. It's not ours anymore. There isn't anything ours anymore, then again I am not sure there ever really, truely was...but that's a whole other can of worms I have no interest in letting loose. Today, I am mourning the lost dreams.

I remember walking through that house with my little 4 month old baby in my arms. Hoping beyond measure that we'd be happy there.

I have to close this chapter now. Everything that was is gone. I'm scared to hope much these days. I want to so very much but I live by a different motto now. Accept everything and expect nothing. Less disappointment that way right?

Right. Going for a drink now.


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