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Friday, October 6

I am involved in a long distance relationship. Saying that out loud scares me. Do these things ever work out? My heart is fully involved and I have made a commitment to this man. Oh how I adore him. I love him. I would like nothing more than for our lives to blend together, for us to get to a point where we can share every day in one another presence. I just don't know if we will manage it. I can't move there, not for several years anyhow because of the kids and to ask him to uproot for me seems just to much ask. To leave family and friends. I could do it, when the oldest kids are out of school. I would love to move there. I am in touch with so little of my family and have few friends. It's just my Mom I'd miss and even there I see her only a couple of times a year and I am sure we'd be able to come for a visit now and again. the thing is it will be 5 years until I can move there. Going sooner would mean leaving my two oldest son's here while they are still in high school. Their Father is a great Dad and can care for them just fine but well I just am not sure I can leave them until they graduate high school. The little guy will come with me no matter when I go. Might be a bit of a fight with his Dad but I am sure I'd win. He sees him less and less already who knows how if he will even be around when the times comes. Even if he does make issue of it I will win based solely on his addictions and problems let alone his lack of care for his son.

All that is still five years out. What of the meantime? I have to be happy and content with seeing the man I love and adore a couple times a year. Unless he moves here to pass the meantime with me. Naturally that would likely mean marriage as well for green card status and such details. The idea of marriage scares me ALOT. I have twice failed at that particular personal challenge. I am not afraid of committing my life to this man just that little slip of paper. Not to mention the fact that he may not really want to marry me. We've talked about it but that was ages ago and nothing of it at all lately. Can you get a green card without marriage? It's probably terribly difficult.

Then there is a the small matter of finding him a job. One that pays as well as the one he has now. No small thing here in Michigan where jobs are few and far between.

How can the future seem so bright and so bleak at the very same time?


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