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Thursday, December 28


Well, it's over. Christmas that is. I must admit I am not all that sorry to see it go this year. I had a definete lack of spirit this year. Nothing tragic went wrong it was just one of the less than perfect years. The begining of December I was truely dreading the holidays. All the way to the point of changing the TV channel if a holiday themed commericial came on. That didn't last long though soon every tv channel, radio station, store windows...everything everywhere just screamed Christmas. I didn't want to decorate the tree. I had no desire to hang the lights outside. Even shopping held no attraction for me. I was quite down about the whole thing. I wasn't sure then weather I would even have the kids with me for Christmas so I was facing a very lonely holiday.

About mid month I had a revelation. Decorating couldn't be postponed any longer as I had run out of excuses so we treked over to storage and pulled out the Christmas box. Which, I must note, had been in the very back corner at the bottom. Why oh why didn't I think to hold it out and add it in last?? Anyhow, we got it all home and decorated the tree and hung the lights outside. It felt all festive in the house and even though I still had a strong lack of an Christmas spirit I was glad we had done it. I ran to the store when it was all done to grab a few little things and as I wandered through the store I came across a gingerbread house kit.I bought it on impluse thinking that Jordan would probably enjoy making it. I got it home and to my surprise everyone wanted in on it. Even the mopey teenager! We had a blast making it. Everyone helped and nobody faught! We even put on Christmas music. Something I had been avoiding even more so that the stupid commercials. That day all the dark clouds about spending a Christmas alone were lifted. I have so much more than so many. I haven't any right to weep and bemoan the things that are lacking when I have so much to bethankful for.

Yeah, Christmas was pretty lame this year for me but that doesn't mean I have to let it all get to me. You just have to keep living through the sadder times, keep pushing through, moving on. Life will go on weather you'd like it to or not. You must decide if you are going to hold on to the hurt and pain or will you move on. Just move on and know that one day it will all make sense again. It's a decision.

That's my big lesson this year. Everything is a decision. I can decide to let Christmas get me terribly down or I can decide to push through it and keep a hope that next year will be brighter. There's more to it really but as many times as I have tried to write about what i have learned this year I haven't been able to gather my thoughts together enough to post anything. I'm trying though. It's been a huge year and the lessons and changes are many.

Ok...back to work. I am working from home the next couple days since I haven't a sitter and daycare is closed. Oh joy. Mark says it's just another reason to move to England. Better vacation time. :)

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