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Wednesday, November 22

I am leaving in about an hour to spend Thanksgiving up at my Mom's house. I am having such mixed feelings about going up there it's made for a very sour mood. I want to see her. I really do but it's so very hard to see her like this. When I am at home and hours away I can think past her illness. You don't hear it over the phone. Up there there is no avoiding the truth. She's weak. She's constantly fatigued. She's never getting better. The Mom in my memories is gone and will never be back again. In some ways I feel like I have already lost her.

Jordan isn't coming up with us. He's too much of a risk for bringing up the cold and flu germs that can realistically kill her. That terrifies me. What if the older guys or I give her some nasty cold that we don't yet even know is lurking within us. What if this short visit causes her harm? Even barring passing on the germs it's a danger to simply wear her out. Her boyfriend Bruce is worried about that. That she won't rest as she should when we are there.

I am just not coping with all this well today. My stomach is in knots and my shoulders and head ache from the stress of it.

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