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Saturday, January 6

lucky girl

I wrote this post in December but have held onto it convinced that I have to rewrite it or edit it or something but who cares really. Isn't that why I started writing on here? Just to give myself a place to vent a little and just to let the thoughts flow freely. So here it is....

I decided not to make any resolutions this year. When I do I inevitably set them too high, quickly fail and give them up. It's a pattern proven every year about this time.

It's been a rough year. Filled with so many changes. This time last year I had just filed for divorce, still lived in my house. I was working as a temp making very little money. Certainly not enough to feel sure of supporting myself and three boys. Any calm in the house was gone once I filed for divorce, he was meaner than ever. Christmas was a distraction and nothing else. The tension, the sadness, the anxiety hung in the air so thick. It wasn't a happy Christmas.

The new year brought so many changes into my life. Some that I expected and some I barely allowed myself to dream of. It began with work. I got hired in full time on December 30th. I was interviewed and hired before that but that was the first day my raise began. Suddenly things were possible. Money would be tight but I could see a way to move out. Go back to a life without eggshells. Show my kids what it feels like to be relaxed and comfortable at home.

Finally, March 1st I moved out. My sister-in-law and her husband helped me move. I am still deeply touched by the support she has shown me throughout the last few years. She was my first Champion. She was the first one who made me see that it wasn't all my fault. She shared some painful childhood memories with me just to open my eyes. She has an absolute gift of faith and she believed not only that I could do it but that I had to.

So out I went. On my own again. I was terrifed. I was so scared I would fail and it would be my kids who suffered for it. I wanted so badly to provide them with a happy home again.

I wasn't really alone though, Mark was here. He came into my life by such absolute chance. A random chat, a few words...a long revealing phone call. He was confident and persistent. Try as I might I quickly found I couldn't resist him. Suddenly, I had something to look forward to again. I was blessed with him just as I had finished convincing myself I'd never love again. I'd never trust again. I'd just keep myself safe.

He wore me down and built me up all at once. He never let me go and I tried to run. I told him it wouldn't work, I pushed him away and all he did was pull me in tighter and tighter. He convinced me I was loveable. He made me feel beautiful. He touched my heart and I fell in love. He believed in me. He saw the best in me and I found myself wanting to be better. I wanted to be the woman I saw when I looked at myself through his eyes. I got my raise because of him. I got my job beceause of him. I rebuilt my life. I opened my heart and really let someone in for the first time.

By summer he had plans to come to see me. I was so nervous in the days and weeks leading up to his visit here but I was completely relaxed while he was here. The first kiss, the first touch and the anxiety just seemed to melt away. Being with him felt so incredibly comfortable, natural....it felt as though it's just always been. It's an experience that is hard to truely express if you haven't been through it. To meet for the first time someone you feel intimately close with. Someone you had spent thousands of hours talking to. To experience your first kiss when you are already deeply in love.

I have to re-learn so much this year. I have had to teach myself to relax. To be happy. To accept love. To see myself in a positive light again. To be social. To be an involved mom again. So many things that slipped away during my marriage, so many things given up in the daily struggle to keep the peace and avoid his anger.

Christmas has been a learning experience this year. I was dreading it so intensly that I even found myself slipping into tears in the middle of the decorations section of the store. I was beside myself with despair. No matter how low I was feeling I knew I couldn't ruin the holiday for the kids so I shoved my despair down deep, swallowed hard and dragged out the Christmas decorations. We put up the tree, added all the decorations, even put up lights outside but still I had this "going through the motions" sensation. I ran out to the store to pick up something or other and saw a little gingerbread kit and on a whim I bought it. I felt a little guilty about spending the money on it even though it was only $10.00....every penny counts when it's pennys that could be spent on gifts instead, ya know? This, however, turned out to be a gift for myself. I brought it home and showed the kids, got a few oooos and ahhhs and we set it aside for later after dinner. We had the best time making that house. It felt so wonderful to spend time doing something just for the fun of it. We laughed and nibbled and groaned over the aweful Christmas music on the radio.

I had to make myself relax. I had to teach myself how to just enjoy the moment again. Not worry about saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing...something, anything...I just always worried because I never knew what would set him off. I have had to teach myself to just be happy.

My life is far from perfect and will likely never be so. Whose is? I am not setting resolutions this year because I refuse to focus on my faults again this year. I have had an incredible hard year and one of the most rewarding ones of my life. I became self sufficient and still learned it's ok to lean on the man I love for support. I became an involved Mom again and showed my children that I am here for them now and apologized for the times I couldn't be over the last several years. I made new friends and learned how to be a social person again. I cried alot of tears but I found my smile again. I found a man who can truely handle me and all my moods, a man who has shown me more love and care than I have ever experienced in my life. No, my life isn't perfect and isn't exactly what I want it to be but it's pretty darn good all in all.

I have three beautiful healthy children. I have a man who loves me absolutely. I have a good job. I have close friends. I am a lucky girl.



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