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Saturday, December 30

lonely

I hate doing things alone. It's not that I hate being alone. To sit and relax with a good book or a decent movie, glass of wine in hand...all by myself. It's rejuvinating and very nice. It's just that I don't like to do things alone. Ya know, things that require you to actually leave the house. I don't understand the man who can go and sit in a bar all by himself. I don't understand the woman who went into the thai restuarant in front of me last night, the one who got a table for one before I grabbed my take out and hurried back home. Being out and alone just seems to reinforce it all maybe. Just seems to rub it in that I am really alone. Couples out shopping together. Friends out together, laughing and just enjoying another company.


I lost a great many things during my last marriage and my friends may have been one of the most missed. I was so humilatited by his behavior in any social setting that I just withdrew. I let him isolate me.


I miss companionship. The conversations, laughter...just quiet company.


Funny thing is that as much as I miss it it scares me too. I will meet Mark's family and some friends during my trip in Feburary and I am so nervous. I feel like I have forgotten how to be with people. I don't remember the last time I spent an evening in the company of other people. Ya know more than just a girlfriend over for dinner. Well, there was that one party I went to in the summer with Nancy. I felt akward the whole time. Not exactly a good sign. I feel like I won't have anything intelligent to say. I'll be the one sitting there nodding and smiling. Laughing along and wondering how long it will take them all to realize I haven't a clue what I'm doing.


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