waitingI don't like to be alone. I never have. I don't like to eat alone, go places alone, drink alone...nothing. I envy people who can take such pleasure in time away from everyone else. This weekend all the kids are gone. I've been alone since Friday evening. It's quite miserable and much to large a dose than I can handle. I talked to ex #1 and he says wow you have a break! you have a free weekend! I don't want one. I want kids underfoot, I want someone to talk to. I want to cook for someone. Sit with someone. I'd even take argueing with someone over this. I went for a walk..alone. Felt like everyone was looking at me and thinking....ohh poor sap has no one to walk with.
I don't want to spend my life alone and yet that's just what I have decided to do isn't it. That living on my own is better than living the soon to be ex #2. It is. Really it is. I just miss having someone there. Granted it was like talking to a wall half of the time but even that seems better than this sometimes.
I read an entire book yesterday. I ate terribly. I drank to much. I felt sorry for myself. I was mean to someone who loves me. I was miserable. Seeing everything at it's darkest. I do have a talent for that. I've been told I don't see the world right. That I see all the dark and none of the light sometimes. I suppose it's true enough and I chasten myself often and tell myself that so many others have it so much worse. Worse lives, worse troubles. Makes mine seem so small when I look at it all like that. Doesn't make me feel any better, of course, just guilty for feeling bad.
I think the biggest thing that troubles me is being alone. It scares me so much that I will be always. That I'll never have a healthy relationship with a man that makes me happy. The kids will grow and have lives of their own...the older two have already begun to pull away from me. I am not the center of their world anymore. They have friends and places to go and be that don't include me. They should, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want anything less for them. It's just that it leaves me feeling a little lost. I have lived for my kids for as long as I can remember and if that's gone what do I hold on to next?
I don't know how to live for myself. I have always been living to meet someone elses needs or expectations of me. There are things that I want in life, things I want to do, places I want to go...but it all seems so distant that I can't grab on to it and let it guide me on my way. I just feel so very trapped by circumstance. I can see the future I desire but I have no power to grab on to it and make it mine. It's like I am still, and always will be waiting for my life to begin.