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Friday, October 13

the diet

Well, I have failed again. Gonna have one of those "day one"'s again tomorrow. Pitiful I know but what is the alternative? Just give up? Decide that this is how I look and be happy with it? Maybe...no...I'm not happy with myself, not content, not relaxed. The brightest spot is that I know M loves me no matter what. No pressure...if I do suceed it'll be all for me. Really, isn't that how it's supposed to be? So it's all on me...I need to find my motivation and kick it into gear. Working on the goals...I want to set some rather short term ones so I can feel the success sooner. Motivate myself for more. Anyway...wish me luck. Again. Thanks :)

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posted by dee @ 1:47 am 0 comments

Sunday, June 18

Lifetime Membership

Waaaayyyyy back in 1990 I bought a membership to a gym. I fell a month behind in the fees and they offered me a deal that I couldn't refuse. Pay on it a bit longer and at a lower monthly rate and you can have a lifetime no additional fees membership! This in my head sounded like "hey cool my payments are going down!!!" I signed up. I swore to myself I would use it so often. I think I went 10 times since then...maybe 20 but that would be a high estimate. Did I ever mention how I hate exercise? Well, since I am trying to fit back into those darn brown pants I am going to the gym tomorrow. *sigh* woohoo.

They have free certified personal trainers there and she will insist I weigh in and get measured. This is humiliation at it's worse, no wait...then you get the pure joy of evaluating just how very fat you are and how long it will take you to get those nasty little numbers where you want them. THEN she walks you around and shows you all the exercise equipment that will help you. Did I mention I hate exercise??

I do have to do this though. M is coming. Probably not till September which gives me a bit of time. I wish he'd come tomorrow but holy smokes in a way I am so glad he's not. Don't misunderstand I am far from hugely or grossly overweight but I am just not comfortable with myself just now so how can I expect to be able to relax around him and not constantly worry if he is thinking...holy moly what have I gotten myself into. I know...rationally I know...he won't be thinking that but all the lost self confidence from the years of put downs from the moron have me thinking the worst.

Pep talk-

Deanna..you can do this. You can hate it all you like but get up off your lazy ass and just do it. Quit feeling sorry for it, quit complaining about it and just change that which makes you unhappy.

-end pep talk. Wish me luck will ya.

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posted by dee @ 7:48 pm 0 comments

Wednesday, June 14

Failed

Failed on the darn diet again. Yeah it did feel soooo good there for a while but alas I have yet again fallen off the wagon. *sigh* I suck at will power. Simply suck at it. Gonna have to give it a go again as I am quite disgusted with myself and my brown pants are too tight. I have too few clothes as it is to go and having some not fit. Then the little guy said I have a fat belly! Truth hurts. Then I was weighed at the Doctor's office last week. That was awful. 4 pounds sigh of my highest ever weight. Disgusting. No, I am not telling what the weight was. No. So tomorrow morning we begin anew. Healthy foods in healthy portions and exercise. I hate exercise. I bought new inner tubes for my bike though so I have no excuse not to ride. Well, once I actually put the tubes on and pump them up. *sigh* Yeah, gonna try to do it tonight. Did I mention I hate exercise?


Ok, pep talk. I will feel better, not only physically but I will feel better about myself as well. I will not die from exercise. I will feel as beautiful as M always says I am. I will have more energy. I will set a good example for my kidlets. I will not feel quite so uneasy about that first meeting with M. I can do this. I will do this. I have to do this.


Especially because if I top my all time highest weight I will have to crawl under a rock and hide. If I fit.

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posted by dee @ 12:31 am 2 comments

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