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Thursday, May 24

Another week...

Therapy tonight...it's an odd thing to be in therapy. Some days I am not sure I even really need to be going but then I get there and start babbling and she starts talking and making so much sense that it convinces me again that it's a good thing to be doing. I'm not particularly bad off, many people are in a much worse way than I am but life's stress just got to be too much to handle on my own.

The thing is I have always, all my life, looked at "happy normal people" and wondered what their secret was. I am always unsure and a little fearful...usually I just push right through it but I guess it just feels like I am the only one who is anxious or worried. That's not a rational though I do realize that most people have the same feelings as I do from time to time, some worse and some less than I do. I just want to relax and be happy. Just live life without worrying all the time what's around the next bend.

I didn't used to be like this. People used to tell me I was always smiling. I was generally happy and calm. I made friends easily and had a nice social circle. Now everything feels like an effort. Nothing comes easily anymore, not the smiles, the friends...life just feels really hard right now.

Then I feel a twinge of guilt. I have a pretty good life. Healthy happy kids, a nice place to live in a nice area. A good job. So many have it so much harder than I do that I feel a little guilty for whining about my own.

Yeah, and on that not I suppose it's time to stop whining for today.

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