my sister

I spent hours yesterday emailing back and forth to my little sister. The most conversation, the only conversation, I have had with her in 5 years. She's way younger than I am...12 years younger and I didn't even meet her until she was 18. So we have alot of missing time. We've been in touch a couple times...and get along really well...it just sort of falls away again every time.

posted by dee @ 5:52 pm 0 comments

Another week...

Therapy tonight...it's an odd thing to be in therapy. Some days I am not sure I even really need to be going but then I get there and start babbling and she starts talking and making so much sense that it convinces me again that it's a good thing to be doing. I'm not particularly bad off, many people are in a much worse way than I am but life's stress just got to be too much to handle on my own.

The thing is I have always, all my life, looked at "happy normal people" and wondered what their secret was. I am always unsure and a little fearful...usually I just push right through it but I guess it just feels like I am the only one who is anxious or worried. That's not a rational though I do realize that most people have the same feelings as I do from time to time, some worse and some less than I do. I just want to relax and be happy. Just live life without worrying all the time what's around the next bend.

I didn't used to be like this. People used to tell me I was always smiling. I was generally happy and calm. I made friends easily and had a nice social circle. Now everything feels like an effort. Nothing comes easily anymore, not the smiles, the friends...life just feels really hard right now.

Then I feel a twinge of guilt. I have a pretty good life. Healthy happy kids, a nice place to live in a nice area. A good job. So many have it so much harder than I do that I feel a little guilty for whining about my own.

Yeah, and on that not I suppose it's time to stop whining for today.

posted by dee @ 2:27 pm 0 comments

Our first cast

I have three sons and this one is the first to wear a cast...almost 16 solid years and he's blown my track record! He fell from the monkey bars and landed on the wrist...it's a buckle fracture and this little man only cried right when it happened.

Actually, I spoke with his teacher and she says he never cried! He says he did when he fell but he must have sucked it up awefully quick.

Three weeks in a cast, he's already counting the days down...lucky thing is it will be off in plenty of time for our trip to Florida in July.

posted by dee @ 8:06 pm 1 comments

What makes you happy?

Someone asked me that today and I couldn't come up with an answer. I just replied simply that "that's a complicated question". It shouldn't be one though should it? What makes me happy? I think this will be a task this week...something positive to focus on. Just a list, a simple list of things that make me feel happy.

posted by dee @ 3:50 pm 0 comments

The perscription I need

posted by dee @ 9:19 pm 0 comments

I am the project

Ohh this is going to be bad bad bad. I have been officially declared a project. Shawn, a girl I work with, has decided that I am her pet project this summer. She already harrasses me constantly...have I drank my water today, do I have heels on, am I "bringing the sexy back"...on and on and on. I will be the first to admit that I shrank very deep inside myself when I was married to Randy and have only just barely begin to come back out again but goodness she's gonna push me outta my comfort zone. She's got all sorts of ideas for me...tennis lessons, dance lessons, getting out...just out where other adult type people are. She's got all sorts of ideas of what I need. She's probably right about most of it but ohhh I am not so sure I am ready to dive in like she'd like me to.

What happened to the old me? The one who loved to go out? The one who loved meeting people, made friends easily...the one who lived life.

posted by dee @ 5:07 pm 0 comments

feeling so-so

Well, I went to the therapist. I'm not sure how I feel about it...sort of like it was a waste of time, sort of. I assumed she'd say things like...woooah you are quite a mess, or yes, I see a few things we can work on, or here please take these drugs! There wasn't anything like that at all. She agreed I was under alot of stress and talked a bit about how worry and depression pop up no matter how I try to ignore it and bury it. When I am busy it's set aside but soon as things calm down it's right back again. I don't think I was expecting answers so much as I was at least expecting her to say, "yeah, you do need to be here". I go again on Friday so I guess we'll see.


I also got a new book...self help sort about reclaiming and healing your inner child. Going to spend some time with it tonight.


I'm just so tired of feeling like I am merely, barely surviving. Like I am always waiting on that one thing to happen and THEN I'll be happy. So I am doing a bit of searching to see if I can find that happy person I honestly remember being.

posted by dee @ 2:50 pm 0 comments

Don't worry...just trust me

These words make my stomach tie up in knots and my head spin. I heard them twice today from two different sources. I am done...just absolutely overwhelmed. I am seeing a theripist on Friday...something I never thought I would ever in my life do. I have been before...a few times...and never with any results that made it feel remotely worthwhile.

I was forced into family therpy as a child and hated it. The therpist was a moron, or at least I thought so....all...ummm and yeaaaahhhh and no answers. I do understand that they just guide you along but it was a nightmare of only the parents being heard and me sitting there fuming. The next enlightening trip was with my first husband...I thought it went alright but then he told me he didn't want me to go with him again because then I took the focus off him. Another trip with the next husband resulted in an argument with the teripist about how I said something. Not what I said, not how I felt but just the words I used...he was offended by my grammer. Honestly! Next up was another trip with that husband...this time to a marriage counselor. That guy wasn't so bad and is probably the main reason I have decided that they aren't all bad and am willing to give it a go. It was a waste of time of course that time too since the husband didn't and wouldn't listen to anything he said. We attended two sessions and divorced a year later.

This time it's all about me though. I am not coping well with the overwhelming stress that I am facing just now.

posted by dee @ 12:45 am 0 comments