16 days!!!

The countdown is dwindling so quickly now and I am so beyond excited! Just two weeks from Thursday and I am on my way. The trip he has planned is just simply a dream come true, not to mention that the man himself is one as well. *sigh* I musta done something right to deserve him. :)


On the home front, report cards have come out this week for the kids and I am stunned! Mitch, the one that usually has trouble in school, got four A's and 2 B's!!! His language arts grade went from a D+ first marking to a C and now a B+. I was flat out stunned. It is the best report card he has ever had. I am so incredibly proud of him. His Dad called me to tell me about the grades the day they came home and thanked me for leaving the moron (Randy), he insisted that the change in Mitch's behavior is due, at least in part, to not having to deal with all that stress. I am quite certain he is right. The change in Mitch over the last year has been astounding. He's growing up and he settling down now that he can just relax and be himself. Just one more justification.


Work...well...tomorrow is D-day. No decisions have come through thus far so tomorrow the 120 day notice letter goes out and we officially begin to exit from the contract. Now there is always a chance that negotiations will continue and we retain the contract but it's a slim chance. I had my performance review last week and got the same lecture about not having to worry about anything so we shall see where it all ends up.


Speaking of my review though...holy smokes was it fantastic. I have never had such a good review which was very cool but just a tiny bit embarrassing. In our review process you set goals for the year and then at years end you review those goals and mark is you had exceeded, met or did not meet, each goal. If you mark any as exceeded or did not meet you have to add a comment of explanation. I marked the majority of my goals as exceeded, leaving only the ones that were things like "meet 100% customer service goals" as met since you can't really exceed that 100%. As for the competencies, I marked all of those as exceeded so then I had to sit and write up comments that amounted to bragging about myself. That felt strange and a little embarrassing. Now I wait and see if I will either get a raise or lose my job with the loss of the client. It's no wonder I am stressed out! Thank goodness vacation is right around the corner.

Labels: Kids, Work

posted by dee @ 7:23 pm 0 comments

posted by dee @ 6:21 am 0 comments

The middle boy

For years my middle son, Mitch, has been a most annoying child. I love him dearly, mind you, but he just has to draw attention to himself constantly. He was always, ALWAYS, making noises or moving about just generally being annoying. He'd make you want to yell SIT STILL and BE QUIET practically every other minute.


He's fantastic with his little brother. Jordan adores playing with Mitch because Mitch is full of energy and full of silly nonsense. Non-stop loud, energetic, silly play. Just the sort of thing that a five year old loves and the sort of thing that begins to grate on your nerves after the first oh five minutes! Naw, I usually last a bit longer than that before I begin the "settle down" mantra. Well, unless I have headache and then it's about two and a half seconds. You see what entertains the five year old usually is a little bit annoying to the average adult.


It's more than the silliness and the constant movement though he also seems to enjoy asking the most inane questions. Stupid questions that have no actual answer but still ones that make you stop and try until you see the grin on his face and you realize that it's just another attention ploy.


It's a million little things that he does that annoys but lately I have noticed it starting to wane. He's suddenly engaging me in actual conversations with actual topics. Interesting stuff like how things work and even politics. It's an amazing change and I am beginning to enjoy spending time with him again. He and I go run errands together, we share jokes and talk about all sorts of things. He's always been the sort of kid that needs a lot of direct one on one contact on a very regular basis to keep his attention stores filled up but it's just different now. He is growing up. That one on one time doesn't feel like it once did. I hate to say like a chore because that sounds just awful but some days spending time with this child was exactly that. I am so very glad he seems to be outgrowing it.


He is still lots of fun with his little brother but when I say enough he actually listens the first time. He is still full of energy but he seems to have found a nice balance in which he expels it at proper times instead of constantly. He's even taken to doing his homework on a regular basis without prompting. He's just simply growing up and he's growing up into a really great kid. He's always been a good kid, even well behaved, just so full of energy he didn't know how to control it and it just spilled over all the time. I am so proud to see these changes in him. I am so pleased that he seems to be feeling more comfortable in his own skin. Isn't that all we really want for our kids? He doesn't have to fit any particular mold just that he learns to love and cope well with the person that he is. He's growing up and it's a privilege to be able to watch it and even more so to be a part of his life.

Labels: Kids

posted by dee @ 12:05 am 2 comments

Staff Meeting today

I wonder if there will be any news at all. I am so tired of the waiting.

Labels: Work

posted by dee @ 2:47 pm 0 comments

wait! and then wait some more

Work is driving me a little bit insane lately. We are so immensely busy it's crazy and the contract deadlines just keep getting pushed out and out. We were supposed to have some sort of decision by this past Friday but it came and went with nothing. Yesterday we were told that the client had some questions about the proposal which could mean one of two things; they are either stalling or actually thinking of accepting it. I honestly don't know anymore which I hope for I just want it decided one way or another.


The new date is January 31st. Supposedly, if they haven't made a decision by then we begin the 120 day notice to leave the contract. Plenty of time to find a new job if need be although my boss keeps saying I have nothing to worry about. I just can't trust that she could be saying it just so I don't start looking now and jump ship on her. ahh well...it's all a waiting game now.


Quick side note: I am nuts. I am so overwhelmed with excitement over this trip I have taken to screaming out loud in my car. Sitting there all alone my mind wanders and inevitably ends up on Mark and my trip to see him and I just get so overcome with excitement that I feel like if I don't scream a little bit I just might explode! Just over four weeks to go. Oh, and a bonus, still no one sitting next to me on the flight :) Say a little prayer it stays that way as it'd be soooo nice to be able to stretch out across the seats.

Labels: England, Work

posted by dee @ 1:48 pm 0 comments

The agenda so far...

Mark lives in Worthing so most of our time will be spent there. We will be traveling to Stow-on-the-wold; to visit a friend of his, Cheltenham; to meet the family and Leamington; more family. We will be making some stops along the way on our visits and many day trips out, though we haven't quite decided exactly what, where and when yet. Some of the places that are ranking high on the list of places to see on this trip:


Arundel Castle

Devizes

The Globe

Salisbury Cathedral

Stratford-upon-Avon

Kenilworth Castle

Warwick Castle

Borough Market

Camden Market


Then of course there are museums and manor homes and stone circles and and and and...I really should just pack it in and move over there is just so much I want to see. Once I see all of England that I want to see there is always Ireland and Scotland and France and ohhh how the list goes on and on.


We will see all we can this trip but we don't want to pack so much in that we don't have any time to just be at home in one another's company either. I can't wait to be back in that man's arms. Never in my life have I missed anyone like I do him. Anyway :) that is a basic agenda for now...it's an ever changing thing as he thinks of other things to see and do. I am certain it won't ever be firm until I am there and we decide each day what we'd like to do. 35 more days!! I can hardly wait.

Labels: England

posted by dee @ 5:00 am 2 comments

Quote of the week

The chief lesson I have learned in a long life is that the only way to make a man trustworthy is to trust him; and the surest way to make him untrustworthy is to distrust him and show your distrust.

Henry L. Stimson
US politician (1867 - 1950)

Labels: quote of the week

posted by dee @ 4:22 am 0 comments

5 weeks!!!

I leave for England five weeks from today. I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve! I want to stamp my feet and squeal like a little girl whenever I think about it. I can't wait to see Mark again we had such an incredibly lovely time when he was here. He's got our agenda all planned out and I cannot wait to see the sights he has on our list. There are so many places I want to see and I am such a geek I've been researching the history behind the places we will be able to fit in this trip. (and making a mental list for next trip!)


Speaking of lists, I have three started. Clothes to take, things for carry on and just a general to do to get done before I leave. I can't wait.


Concerning meeting his family I have settled down a little bit. He knows how I feel and I know he'll help me along if I get stuck in conversation. Besides, there will be little kids about and nothing is a better distraction than that, eh? It'll be fine.


Okay, well back to work I suppose. Work is a nightmare right now as we are so busy. Going from seven to three people hurt but has just now caught up with us and the workload is overwhelming. I feel most days like I do nothing but put fires out all day long. We still can't figure out what one girl on this team does all day. She manages to weasel out of work constantly by complaining and whining to the boss that she is overwhelmed. Crying and whining, literally! So her work gets redistributed across Shawn and I and it's frustrating. We will know by the end of this month if the entire contract with this client will be scrapped. If it is then we have 120 days notice to complete the transition back to the client. My boss keeps telling me that I have nothing to worry about, that I will easily shift to another client and that other managers have even inquired about my availability but still I am uneasy. There is always the off chance that she says so only so I will not find a new job in the meantime and leave her high and dry. One team member is due back from maternity leave on February 5th but no one has heard from her one way or the other concerning her plans to return to work. Can you imagine leaving a 3 month old baby in daycare? I can't and she honestly doesn't seem the type to be able to do so either. Some can and do and that's fantastic for those that do but it's a personal decision and we are all waiting to see what she will do.


Okay, back to it. Lunch is over.

Labels: England, Mark, Travel, Work

posted by dee @ 4:51 pm 1 comments

lucky girl

I wrote this post in December but have held onto it convinced that I have to rewrite it or edit it or something but who cares really. Isn't that why I started writing on here? Just to give myself a place to vent a little and just to let the thoughts flow freely. So here it is....


I decided not to make any resolutions this year. When I do I inevitably set them too high, quickly fail and give them up. It's a pattern proven every year about this time.


It's been a rough year. Filled with so many changes. This time last year I had just filed for divorce, still lived in my house. I was working as a temp making very little money. Certainly not enough to feel sure of supporting myself and three boys. Any calm in the house was gone once I filed for divorce, he was meaner than ever. Christmas was a distraction and nothing else. The tension, the sadness, the anxiety hung in the air so thick. It wasn't a happy Christmas.


The new year brought so many changes into my life. Some that I expected and some I barely allowed myself to dream of. It began with work. I got hired in full time on December 30th. I was interviewed and hired before that but that was the first day my raise began. Suddenly things were possible. Money would be tight but I could see a way to move out. Go back to a life without eggshells. Show my kids what it feels like to be relaxed and comfortable at home.


Finally, March 1st I moved out. My sister-in-law and her husband helped me move. I am still deeply touched by the support she has shown me throughout the last few years. She was my first Champion. She was the first one who made me see that it wasn't all my fault. She shared some painful childhood memories with me just to open my eyes. She has an absolute gift of faith and she believed not only that I could do it but that I had to.


So out I went. On my own again. I was terrifed. I was so scared I would fail and it would be my kids who suffered for it. I wanted so badly to provide them with a happy home again.


I wasn't really alone though, Mark was here. He came into my life by such absolute chance. A random chat, a few words...a long revealing phone call. He was confident and persistent. Try as I might I quickly found I couldn't resist him. Suddenly, I had something to look forward to again. I was blessed with him just as I had finished convincing myself I'd never love again. I'd never trust again. I'd just keep myself safe.


He wore me down and built me up all at once. He never let me go and I tried to run. I told him it wouldn't work, I pushed him away and all he did was pull me in tighter and tighter. He convinced me I was loveable. He made me feel beautiful. He touched my heart and I fell in love. He believed in me. He saw the best in me and I found myself wanting to be better. I wanted to be the woman I saw when I looked at myself through his eyes. I got my raise because of him. I got my job beceause of him. I rebuilt my life. I opened my heart and really let someone in for the first time.


By summer he had plans to come to see me. I was so nervous in the days and weeks leading up to his visit here but I was completely relaxed while he was here. The first kiss, the first touch and the anxiety just seemed to melt away. Being with him felt so incredibly comfortable, natural....it felt as though it's just always been. It's an experience that is hard to truely express if you haven't been through it. To meet for the first time someone you feel intimately close with. Someone you had spent thousands of hours talking to. To experience your first kiss when you are already deeply in love.


I have to re-learn so much this year. I have had to teach myself to relax. To be happy. To accept love. To see myself in a positive light again. To be social. To be an involved mom again. So many things that slipped away during my marriage, so many things given up in the daily struggle to keep the peace and avoid his anger.


Christmas has been a learning experience this year. I was dreading it so intensly that I even found myself slipping into tears in the middle of the decorations section of the store. I was beside myself with despair. No matter how low I was feeling I knew I couldn't ruin the holiday for the kids so I shoved my despair down deep, swallowed hard and dragged out the Christmas decorations. We put up the tree, added all the decorations, even put up lights outside but still I had this "going through the motions" sensation. I ran out to the store to pick up something or other and saw a little gingerbread kit and on a whim I bought it. I felt a little guilty about spending the money on it even though it was only $10.00....every penny counts when it's pennys that could be spent on gifts instead, ya know? This, however, turned out to be a gift for myself. I brought it home and showed the kids, got a few oooos and ahhhs and we set it aside for later after dinner. We had the best time making that house. It felt so wonderful to spend time doing something just for the fun of it. We laughed and nibbled and groaned over the aweful Christmas music on the radio.


I had to make myself relax. I had to teach myself how to just enjoy the moment again. Not worry about saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing...something, anything...I just always worried because I never knew what would set him off. I have had to teach myself to just be happy.


My life is far from perfect and will likely never be so. Whose is? I am not setting resolutions this year because I refuse to focus on my faults again this year. I have had an incredible hard year and one of the most rewarding ones of my life. I became self sufficient and still learned it's ok to lean on the man I love for support. I became an involved Mom again and showed my children that I am here for them now and apologized for the times I couldn't be over the last several years. I made new friends and learned how to be a social person again. I cried alot of tears but I found my smile again. I found a man who can truely handle me and all my moods, a man who has shown me more love and care than I have ever experienced in my life. No, my life isn't perfect and isn't exactly what I want it to be but it's pretty darn good all in all.


I have three beautiful healthy children. I have a man who loves me absolutely. I have a good job. I have close friends. I am a lucky girl.

Labels: life

posted by dee @ 9:28 pm 0 comments

Quote of the week

The self is not something ready-made, but something in continuous formation through choice of action.

John Dewey
US educator, Pragmatist philosopher, & psychologist (1859 - 1952)

Labels: quote of the week

posted by dee @ 4:26 am 0 comments