lonely
I hate doing things alone. It's not that I hate being alone. To sit and relax with a good book or a decent movie, glass of wine in hand...all by myself. It's rejuvinating and very nice. It's just that I don't like to do things alone. Ya know, things that require you to actually leave the house. I don't understand the man who can go and sit in a bar all by himself. I don't understand the woman who went into the thai restuarant in front of me last night, the one who got a table for one before I grabbed my take out and hurried back home. Being out and alone just seems to reinforce it all maybe. Just seems to rub it in that I am really alone. Couples out shopping together. Friends out together, laughing and just enjoying another company.
I lost a great many things during my last marriage and my friends may have been one of the most missed. I was so humilatited by his behavior in any social setting that I just withdrew. I let him isolate me.
I miss companionship. The conversations, laughter...just quiet company.
Funny thing is that as much as I miss it it scares me too. I will meet Mark's family and some friends during my trip in Feburary and I am so nervous. I feel like I have forgotten how to be with people. I don't remember the last time I spent an evening in the company of other people. Ya know more than just a girlfriend over for dinner. Well, there was that one party I went to in the summer with Nancy. I felt akward the whole time. Not exactly a good sign. I feel like I won't have anything intelligent to say. I'll be the one sitting there nodding and smiling. Laughing along and wondering how long it will take them all to realize I haven't a clue what I'm doing.
Labels: insecurities
Quote of the week
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.
- Mark Twain Labels: quote of the week
Christmas
Well, it's over. Christmas that is. I must admit I am not all that sorry to see it go this year. I had a definete lack of spirit this year. Nothing tragic went wrong it was just one of the less than perfect years. The begining of December I was truely dreading the holidays. All the way to the point of changing the TV channel if a holiday themed commericial came on. That didn't last long though soon every tv channel, radio station, store windows...everything everywhere just screamed Christmas. I didn't want to decorate the tree. I had no desire to hang the lights outside. Even shopping held no attraction for me. I was quite down about the whole thing. I wasn't sure then weather I would even have the kids with me for Christmas so I was facing a very lonely holiday.
About mid month I had a revelation. Decorating couldn't be postponed any longer as I had run out of excuses so we treked over to storage and pulled out the Christmas box. Which, I must note, had been in the very back corner at the bottom. Why oh why didn't I think to hold it out and add it in last?? Anyhow, we got it all home and decorated the tree and hung the lights outside. It felt all festive in the house and even though I still had a strong lack of an Christmas spirit I was glad we had done it.
I ran to the store when it was all done to grab a few little things and as I wandered through the store I came across a gingerbread house kit.I bought it on impluse thinking that Jordan would probably enjoy making it. I got it home and to my surprise everyone wanted in on it. Even the mopey teenager! We had a blast making it. Everyone helped and nobody faught! We even put on Christmas music. Something I had been avoiding even more so that the stupid commercials. That day all the dark clouds about spending a Christmas alone were lifted. I have so much more than so many. I haven't any right to weep and bemoan the things that are lacking when I have so much to bethankful for.
Yeah, Christmas was pretty lame this year for me but that doesn't mean I have to let it all get to me. You just have to keep living through the sadder times, keep pushing through, moving on. Life will go on weather you'd like it to or not. You must decide if you are going to hold on to the hurt and pain or will you move on. Just move on and know that one day it will all make sense again. It's a decision.
That's my big lesson this year. Everything is a decision. I can decide to let Christmas get me terribly down or I can decide to push through it and keep a hope that next year will be brighter. There's more to it really but as many times as I have tried to write about what i have learned this year I haven't been able to gather my thoughts together enough to post anything. I'm trying though. It's been a huge year and the lessons and changes are many.
Ok...back to work. I am working from home the next couple days since I haven't a sitter and daycare is closed. Oh joy. Mark says it's just another reason to move to England. Better vacation time. :)
Labels: Christmas, lessons
Quote of the week
Only those who attempt the absurd will achieve the impossible. - MC EscherLabels: quote of the week
oooh baby....
I'm a chatter. I've been chatting online since 1992, back when all you could do was hang out on BBS's. Dialing into someones computer and chatting with either the BBS owner or one of the other two people online with you. (if the owner actually had more than one line in). In that amount of time I have encountered a hugely diverse number of people. Made friends, found lovers, found love. I've been hit one and flirted with by many men. Most of whom, though certainly not all, are either stupid or liars. Pretty much the same as real life. I've met the ones that think they are just God's gift to the Internet and especially to the one he's chosen to bestow with his attentions. The stupid lines. The moronic half witted attempts to get laid. Virtually laid, of course, since I am pretty sure that the worst of the lot maybe hasn't even managed it in real life. Ever. If they did I would think they'd have some clue, some inkling as to how to really treat a woman. Unfortunately, there must be woman out there that respond to the lame ass crap these guys let litter screen all over the world. This is a bit of a pet peeve for me. That women must certainly respond to these guys. I mean, why would they keep trying if they hadn't ever had any positive encouragement somewhere along the way. We have some desperate woman somewhere to thank for these idiots roaming around out here.
I am babbling and I hadn't really sat down to berate the morons out there. Maybe that safety nazi put me in a mood tonight? I really sat down to write about something that absolutely cracked me up tonight.
I got J into bed, made myself something to eat and popped in a movie. I didn't sign out of IM before I sat down and really didn't think anything of it. The only person I watch for online was already fast asleep so I only half heard the tones that signaled new mail had come in and I didn't pay any attention to the chimes of IM's. The IM's were from yahoo. It's the only IM that I seem to get random messages on. I am sure there is a setting somewhere that you can set so that only people in your contact list can message you but the random ones are practically guaranteed to be from the morons I mentioned above. It's entertaining.
Usually, I'll return the random hello and how are ya's while I check out their profiles. The next line after the hello will almost always reveal their true nature and is when I hit ignore right after I type some honest albeit blunt explanation. Tonight I was jaw droopingly stunned with the stupidity of the moron du jour. The IM that chimed while I was watching my movie said. "Hello" and "May we chat". So oddly polite that I was curious enough to pull up the profile. Once I stopped laughing, shaking my head and staring in utter jaw dropping fascination I was filled with relief. All was right with the world the morons live on.
Please, read and enjoy. I'm not going to post the link to this profile because that would just be cruel but I had to share the best parts. This is unaltered, copied straight from the profile I swear.
Hobbies:
I like Sailing Thearter Dining
Movies my boat is misstress i all so love to Pamper Pleasure Please I am very
Seusual passionate perrson
Latest News:
if your in to d/s i make jewelry
for the life style thats can be used R/T im or pm me and ill tell more
Favorite Quote:
women are like the sea never know how the ride will be
Labels: chronicles of moronia
I got in trouble at school today.
I was in a rush to get Jordan to school this morning. We ended up running a little bit late so by the time we got to his school everyone was already inside and the road that is usually filled with cars and students was clear. We weren't very late but it clears out quickly as soon as the first bell rings. I pulled up to the curb to get Jordan out of the car and in an effort to make things easy on myself and to get him out safely and not have to cross the road I pulled to the curb on the wrong side of the road. I felt marginally bad but just wanted to get him in as quickly as possible. As I was getting out of my car a lady comes jogging up to me and berates me for parking in such a way. Chastising me and giving me warnings of getting a ticket. Not from her mind you but from the police who are no where in sight. Now, I do understand I was in the wrong here...I know I should not have parked the way I did but she was rude and
condescending. I looked at her and said, "If it's a ticket I'll get then it's mine concern and not yours." She began ranting on about order and such things and I calmly pointed out that there was indeed not one car nor student that I was interfering with and I walked away to take Jordan to the door.
As I was walking away from the little miss
safety I overheard the reason she had really come jogging up the block. She came almost a full block to chastise a parent for not coming to a complete stop at the stop sign on the last corner. She was telling her how dangerous it was and how she could get a ticket and how she really ought to slow down....maybe take more time in the morning so she doesn't have to be in such a hurry. I was a little bit shocked and felt more than a little bit sorry for the parent now on the receiving end of the safety
nazi's rants.
I got about halfway to the door when another car pulled up behind mine, wrong side of the road and all, and I heard the
safety nazi yell..."
Ohh no, not again!" and she proceeded to berate the next driver too.
As I was getting back into my car the last berated driver looked at me, nodded towards the
safety and said, "She a crazy lady!"
Indeed.
**Just as a little end note...I am all for safety and especially safety around the kids being dropped off. If this woman had decided I was doing something wrong and approached me in a calm and respectful manner I would have apologized and promised to never ever to it again. I just don't respond well to being treated like I am somehow less.
Labels: safety nazi, school
A what!?
I stopped for gas this morning on my way into work this morning and as I walked into the station to pay I was gifted with the following conversation:
boy: "ma'am? Can you pick me up a swisher? I forgot my ID." (Ma'am?!?!)
me: "a what?"
boy: "swisher"
me: "huh? a what?"
boy: "a swisher" (By now I am sure he was sorry he picked me to ask)
me: "What's that?"
boy: "A blunt wrap" (This definition didn't help one little bit)
me: "uhh...no I'm not gonna do that."
I never had the nerve as a kid to ask someone to buy for me. I had friends that would do it of course but never managed it myself. I was taken by surprise though it was probably more so because he called me ma'am than by anything else. Then if that didn't make me feel old enough already I had to go on wikipedia and look up what the hell a swisher was....not even sure I got the blasted word right even. lol.
Labels: getting old
Thanksgiving recap
It was a bit rough. Mom isn't terribly worse than she was last time but is definetly worse. And smoking more. *sigh* It was hard to see her so fatigued. She can't do much without becoming entirely exausted. I read three books in an effort to both distract myself and not to tax her with too much company.
The visit was nice and I am sure the kids enjoyed it. Save Jordan of course who stayed with his Dad. I was too nervous about him bringing up germs I didn't dare take him along. Turns out a very wise decision as he came down with a fever on Thanksgiving day. Randy, Jordan's Dad, took him to the doctors and discovered a throat infection. Wouldn't have been good at all had he been up there with it.
