Will it rain today?

Thursday, July 27

A better day

I talked to my mom today and she sounds much improved. It's so scary every single illness can be deadly serious and terrifies me. A simple cold could worsen and mean the end. She is improving though so I will be thankful for that for now and pray that she sees the importance of exercise and taking care of herself.

The kids and I will go up to see her in late August after camp and before school starts again. I can't take them up there during the school year for fear that they will bring up to many germs. It's hard to keep all three kids healthily long enough to feel they are safe. One is perpetually getting over something as the other is just showing signs of something. Last winter every single time we thought it might be safe someone else got sick. It's sad really. The kids so love going to visit and I miss my mom more than I can begin to express.

She used to live down here by me and I would see her almost daily. We'd meet for lunch, go shopping, just visit. We worked together even off and on. I saw a lot of my mom when she lived down here. Then about 10 years ago or so she and her boyfriend moved to Gaylord, MI, about four hours North of me. Oh, that was hard. I missed her immensely. I could drive up any time I wanted to though and did often. Especially in the summertime, once a month some years. We'd spend all the holidays together still. Mostly with us going up there.

It's so fantastic up there.

See, she lives in the middle of the woods. It's 1.7 miles to the main road. Two lakes within walking distance. All you hear up there is the wind in the trees and the critters. It's lovely and peaceful. I am very much looking forward to getting up there. It will be great to see my mom, very good and reassuring to see she's doing better. Difficult as it may be but I really need to see how she is first hand.

Tuesday, July 25

Going through the motions

That is just how I feel today. I am in such a fog. My mind keeps wandering back to my mom and I am having such trouble keeping the tears at bay. She's not improved and she says that the x-ray results haven't come back yet. How can a simple x-ray take so blasted long to read? Naturally since she hasn't told me what is wrong precisely I am fearing the worst. She's been in bed since Friday to weak and in to much pain to even get up for a shower. I am really very scared. She's getting worse. Even if you exclude this latest incident she's been getting steadily worse. She can't shake the bronchitis any more and has become steroid dependent because of it. Her voice has changed, it's more airy and strained.

The worst thing is that there is simply no hope for improvement. Her spastic pains may ease, yes, but she will never improve overall. She could maintain for years if she'd stop smoking. She won't. She says things like, "why bother" and "one a day isn't going to hurt". She's slowly, steadily, getting worse.

:(

My mom isn't well. She's got COPD (cronic obstructive pulmaonary disease) and it's just not getting better. We didn't expect it to but when she has suddenly taken a turn for the worse. She's done something and she has been having a severe spastic pain in her chest. She's having trouble breathing. More so than before. She can't cough properly, which is very bad as her lungs need the clearing that a good cough provides. Tonight she told me her right arm is so sore she can hardly move it. I am in such a state of utter panic. She's all the family I have. I mean I have brothers and a sister, father, step mother, aunts and uncles all over the place but I haven't spoken to any of them in years. Some well over a decade. She is all I have.

Sunday, July 23

Jello shots

I went to a Luau last night. It was fun in a I don't know anyone sort of way. I spent alot of the evening listening to conversations not having a clue what they were talking about. Ya know how it is when people talk about work or family and you don't know anyone that they are talking about. Remember when this happened...and remember when so and so did this....that sort of thing. Thankfully we sat right next to the cooler of jello shots. 32 flavors of jello shots. I don't think I tried them all but it wasn't for lack of trying some flavors were popular and hard to find. The hostess made 2000 jello shots. 2000! In these little cups with lids and numbers on the bottom. Every table had a list on it to identify the flavors. My favorite was 15, cherry lifesaver. Yum. I honestly have no idea how many I had. Lots. The pile of little empty cups near me was large.

I did have a good time despite not knowing anyone and not knowing the stories and I have a new found love for jello. Except 32....strawberry pina coloda, that one tasted like sun lotion.

Saturday, July 22

Trust

Isn't trust supposed to be easy? Is it automatic or is a decision made every single day? I suck at trusting people. Truly I do. I tell myself I trust people, I tell other people I trust them and most days I actually convince the both of us. Trouble is when it comes down to actually doing the trusting I fail miserably. I'm becoming convinced I simply don't know how to do it. Is it supposed to be hard? Is it a struggle for other people?

I don't mean trusting someone who has hurt you or who has betrayed you. I mean trusting someone you know in every rational part of your brain you should trust. Someone who has only ever had your best interest at heart. Someone who loves you completely, cares for you deeply, and trusts you completely. Shouldn't trusting that person just be easy. Shouldn't it just be so?

I wonder sometimes if I have become so damaged over the course of my life that I am not capable of truly trusting anyone. What if I can't do it? It's not the other persons fault. They've done nothing wrong, the deserve all the trust in the world but what if I can't figure out how to give that?

I know what it is I seek. I think I know what it is supposed to feel like. Sort of, in a love story movie kind of way. Something I have seen, heard about, know exists but haven't really felt. I have always doubted. I have always relied on myself more than anyone. Ever.

Ya know that stupid test...the one where you stand in front of someone and fall backwards*. You trust them to catch you when you fall. Every time I have let myself fall I have landed on my ass. I suppose at some point I expected someone to catch me. Maybe. I can't honestly say when that was. Isn't that sad. Pitiful. Broken.

The worst part is I know I have someone who will catch me every time now and still every once in a while I panic and I doubt. I am so afraid I'll ruin everything. Silly, unreasonable and irrational. I know I can trust him, I just simply don't know how to go about it.

* Oh that test? Never. I have never tried it. I have backed out, excused myself, whatever I had to do to get out of it.

Friday, July 21

Why I should screen my calls...

So, the moron calls last night. Started out fine as he was calling to say he'd "babysit" his son on Saturday night. This was after saying he would, no he couldn't, maybe he would, nope can't and then finally last night yes he would indeed do it. I wouldn't have even asked him as I hate to ask that man for anything but I thought I would give him first rights to refusal so he wouldn't have a fit when he found out his son was elsewhere. Just one less thing to listen to him complain about, ya know.

Speaking of which, his call turned into one huge pity party so quickly it made my head spin. He's soooooooo bad off. Can't find a job. Owes money everywhere. Can't pay his child support so they are gonna toss him in jail. All they to how we'd all be just better off if he were just dead. Oh it was pitiful. I was nice. I listened patiently for a while but then I just couldn't resist and told him just how pitiful he was acting. Whining about his bleak future but unwilling to make any changes that would brighten the horizon. Won't quit smoking that funny stuff even though he keeps failing drug tests and losing work. Ohh and here is the big news. The last one he lost for that reason they actually offered him the job anyway. They offered to make an exception and hire him though he failed the darn test and he turned it down! His Dad went over to the place after the moron lost the job intending on talking to the owner, someone he knows, and asking him to give a shot and the owner told him he already had. Jobs are so very scarce here and especially so in manufacturing that it's just unthinkable to turn a good job down. Last bit of sympathy I had for the moron evaporated with that bit of news. He doesn't know I know about though and I didn't mention it last night. Why bother he'd only deny it anyhow. I finally had to just get off the phone with him he was being so negative and making everything I said into an argument. I don't have to put up with that anymore and I told him exactly that, kindly, calmly, and ended the conversation.

Ok, now that I have whined about the moron how about some good news? I got paid today. My raise was in my check for the first time as well as 30 hours overtime. It's the biggest, fattest check I have ever had!!! I feel rich. Next check will be the same too. Finally, my cashflow is staying out of the red. I am soooo happy about that. I can relax a little bit. Not worry about the little things quite as much. Not go into the red over renting a movie! Ohhh and splurge a little bit too. I joined netflix. Way cool! I have Elizabeth I and Hitler waiting for me when I get home.

Thursday, July 20

Can't catch my breath

I have been so flippin busy. Working 55 hours a week, keeping the house up, the kids, the moron. Ugh. Thank goodness it has it rewards and my big fat OT check will be here Friday! Woohoo. I am so excited about camp I can't even begin to express it. I cringe at the thought of what will await me at work after a week off but ahh well...I deserve the time off.

Oh, and the diet is going fairly well. Had a restart from that original woohoo doing great on day two post. Been at it for three solid weeks now and I have lost 6 pounds :) Not to shabby. Got to get to the gym a bit more but with my schedule it's been difficult at best.

The kids did survive cleaning day in case you wondering. No beatings even. I was mildly shocked and actually pleased with their efforts. Camp is the reward of course :) Except for little man. He got a homemade bow and arrow set. I'll have to post a pic...I got creative and he was enthralled with it. Well, until the bow broke the next day. $8.98 in supplies, 3 whiney cleaning hours, 45 minutes to make the darn thing and ya know what...a week later I bought him one that excited him just as much and got it from the dollar store. *sigh* He does still use the little backpack thing I made him to hold his arrows so I guess it was all worth the effort. That and the amazed look on his face when I handed it to him completed. He did think it was so cool that mom could make such a thing. Downside is he all kinds of ideas of what we should make next.

Off to bed...got to be into work by 7 these days. blah. I hate mornings.

Saturday, July 8

Suffer the little children

Today I plan to torture my children. I expect moaning, groaning maybe even crying. What do I plan on doing to them you ask? It's time to clean their bedrooms. The pitiful efforts they make on their own have resulted in heaps in corners, cluttered shelves in the closets, and overflowing dresser drawers. Heaven only knows what is lurking under the beds! They are lurking about stealing glances at me this morning. They were warned that this was coming but I know they are dearly hoping I will forget. Sorry guys, no such luck.

I remember days like this as a child. I would cry and moan and go on and on about how unfair life was. Oh but to go back to that time eh? When life's biggest worry was the lose of playtime? I will advise my children today to treasure this misery as they will one day look back on it fondly. :) Think it will help? Naw, neither do I. Ahh well, time to put on the mean ole mom hat!

Thursday, July 6

Ages and ages

It has been forever since I lasted posted anything. It's just been rather busy as of late. Settling down now though so I have a bit of time to grab.

First point of interest is I got my raise!!! This is the first time I have ever actually gone to a boss and asked for one directly. Every other pay increase has come from a promotion that landed in my lap or a job change so this was a very new experience for me. I didn't even ask for a specific amount and that could have led to trouble but luckily it did not and I am very pleased with my increase. Just a bit more than a dollar an hour!!! I am very pleased indeed. Oh, and the praise that come with it was almost as good. Almost, since nothing is better than cold hard cash to say that the boss see you are doing a good job.

The day before I found out about my raise I was despairing greatly about money and went to my boss to let her know that I would be taking a second job to make ends meet. Hell, I was taking a second to make the ends see each other across a great wide cavern and wave to one another but I digress. She implored me to wait and let her see what could be done here for me. I received an email later that day while working from home that she had gotten me approved to put in up to 15 hours of overtime a week. Thank you God, this was an answer to a great many prayers. It will be so much easier to just work some additional hours rather than going from one job to the nest and losing evenings with the kids.

So, between overtime and the raise camp is a sure thing. I am absolutely beside myself with joy. I can't begin to describe the relief I feel now when I look at my cashflow and see it inching up into the black once again and staying there! All without a dime from the moron.

Speaking of whom he has found a job again. Pray he passes the drug test this time around. One would think that once you fail one as he did the last time, and once you have been fired for failing one as he did the last time...one would think to quit don't you think? Naw, not the moron. It's not hard addictive drugs mind you it's just a bit of pot, even less now that he's broke so quitting, while yes, would take effort it wouldn't be impossible or unthinkable. He called me Monday morning to say he was going for the test. I haven't a clue why he still feels like he must update me with all the details of his life but that is another rant all together. I asked him if he would pass it and this is the reply I received, "Well, I haven't had anything since Thursday and I have been slamming the water and I played basketball." Yup, there is yet another reason he has earned his title as the moron. He may well pass with only trace amounts (I do pray he does) but is it such a thing you leave for chance? A risk you take when you have been out of work and the only job you have found in ages you lost for failing the damn test!? Well, it's out of my hands and thank GOD my cashflow is becoming less and less dependent on him.

All in all, that very bad day has come around. My prayers have been answered. Thank you God.