Will it rain today?

Thursday, June 22

a bad day

I am having a bad day. Started last night really, when I balanced my cashflow. It's rather sad looking...pitiful really. The moron still has no job and no job means no child support. The good part about keeping a cashflow is that you can see when and where trouble spots are approaching. The bad part about keeping it are...well...are the same as the good. It's rather depressing when all but 4 days go into the red for an entire month. *sigh*

I've been looking for a second job for a couple weeks thanks to the cashflow redness warning me I needed to. I have been putting in applications at restaurants. I always made good money that way....always got good tips. I called a place today and asked if they were hiring and felt pretty good about it after the call. The times would fit my schedule and they would hire part time. So I went over during the designated hours during which they accept applications and asked for one. Filled it out...sat and sat and sat waiting for the manager to come out and talk to me. He finally called the hostess desk and asked the manager up there to take my application. She did and asked when my last waitress experience was. 1995. Ohhh I felt ancient. No luck there...they require recent, like in the last 6 months experience. ouch. No wonder no other places have called.

I have to do something otherwise rent will be next to impossible to make not to mention our annual trip to family camp with the church. Absolutely breaks my heart to think of not going to camp this year. Honestly, it is the one thing I can really look forward to all year long. No worries, no stress, a time to ground myself in my faith, re-connect with my kids. It's something I treasure more than I can say. Right now as things stand we can't go. I keep praying that something will turn this all around I keep trying to have faith and trust that this one thing we all love won't be taken from us...I even already put in for the time off work..but it's just looking very very bleak. The kids are going to be heartbroken. That's a big part of why it brings me to tears at the thought of missing it. They adore going. I have to limit so much already it feels terrible t have to strip this from them as well. The little guy hasn't ever not gone. He wasn't even a year old the first time we went.

Then to top the day off just perfectly...Aunt Flo has come for a visit. I feel like crap, physically and emotionally. Most of the emotions I am hoping I can blame on hormones...maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. A little hope would be nice.

Tuesday, June 20

It's final

Today at 1:30 pm I was in court. Waiting on the judge. I was so worried about being late and this guy rolls in 20 minutes later. Anyway, I digress. I was in court, appearing at the final judgment for my divorce from the moron. Do you wonder why I call him that...wait there is a perfect example coming. The whole procedure was really quite simple. Wait your turn...stand before the judge..reply to his questions simply, respectfully, and directly. Don't say more than needed as he'll tell you to just answer what's asked anyhow. He asked if the marriage was broken down and if we could never again live as husband and wife. I refrained from yelling "HELL YES!" and respectfully said "yes, sir". He asked if I was pregnant..I again was respectful and shoved the "thank GOD no" down deep. He asked several other trivial things like are your statements true and do they remain so and such things like that. Lastly he asked if we agree to the friend of the court recommendation for child support. Here is where the moron showed his true colors. He could have spoken up and stated that how the recommendation was made when he was working and how now he had lost that job (and three other in the meantime) and had the support order lowered. He stood silent. Are you wondering why? He didn't want to admit he wasn't working. It's in the judgment that he is unemployed. He didn't want to say it out loud because there was a room full of people. His pride took the place of his sense. I of course didn't' help him out. He's on his own now. I said I agreed with the recommendation. The judge had already warned me about answering only what is asked so I wasn't about to go venturing new information. I did, however, try to do my part and help the poor prideful moron out. After the proceedings I helpfully pointed out that the friend of the court office was on the sixth floor and advised that he go and find out what he needs to do to have it lowered. His reply? "I can't now I don't have time." Ummm...ok. No job, no prospects but toooooo busy? Whatever.

Everyone keeps asking me how I am. How am I supposed to be? I honestly don't know. I am a little bit sad, a lot glad, a little bit lonely...I am generally alright. It's not as though this was a surprise. It been a long time coming. It's just a little bit sad when I look at the little guy. I feel badly he won't have the family I had hoped for him. I feel bad that he will grow up longing for it just as I did as a child. I am a little bit scared as to what people will think of me now too. Twice divorced. Makes me sound like such a loser. Makes me feel like I have to explain the whys and how comes. The first one was my own selfish fault. I swore to anyone who would listen that it was the last, that I'd never do it again. Then the moron. He was abusive and I put up with it for years. Did all the textbook stuff. Let him push my friends and family away....let him make me believe it was my fault. I was a bit of a mess just over a year ago. I did escape though, I did come to my senses, I did file for divorce and I know it was best for me and for my children. Doesn't make it any easier. Doesn't make people look at twice divorced with any less measure of disgust. Explaining it only brings pity and I don't want that. AT. ALL. Between a rock and a hard place.

Do you know the worst of it...it makes it so hard to trust again. It makes it so hard to believe again. It makes it so hard to dream again. That's what hurts the most, that he stole all of that from me. I feel like I am always trying to become the girl I lost a long time ago. It's such an effort to hope. None of it comes naturally anymore. It all comes from great long discussions with myself late at night when I can't sleep. Pros and cons, questions without answers, self-doubt. I still struggle, though some days less than others. I am getting that girl back...slowly but surely.

Sunday, June 18

Lifetime Membership

Waaaayyyyy back in 1990 I bought a membership to a gym. I fell a month behind in the fees and they offered me a deal that I couldn't refuse. Pay on it a bit longer and at a lower monthly rate and you can have a lifetime no additional fees membership! This in my head sounded like "hey cool my payments are going down!!!" I signed up. I swore to myself I would use it so often. I think I went 10 times since then...maybe 20 but that would be a high estimate. Did I ever mention how I hate exercise? Well, since I am trying to fit back into those darn brown pants I am going to the gym tomorrow. *sigh* woohoo.

They have free certified personal trainers there and she will insist I weigh in and get measured. This is humiliation at it's worse, no wait...then you get the pure joy of evaluating just how very fat you are and how long it will take you to get those nasty little numbers where you want them. THEN she walks you around and shows you all the exercise equipment that will help you. Did I mention I hate exercise??

I do have to do this though. M is coming. Probably not till September which gives me a bit of time. I wish he'd come tomorrow but holy smokes in a way I am so glad he's not. Don't misunderstand I am far from hugely or grossly overweight but I am just not comfortable with myself just now so how can I expect to be able to relax around him and not constantly worry if he is thinking...holy moly what have I gotten myself into. I know...rationally I know...he won't be thinking that but all the lost self confidence from the years of put downs from the moron have me thinking the worst.

Pep talk-

Deanna..you can do this. You can hate it all you like but get up off your lazy ass and just do it. Quit feeling sorry for it, quit complaining about it and just change that which makes you unhappy.

-end pep talk. Wish me luck will ya.

Labels: Diet

Friday, June 16

Bit and Pieces

Today was a very busy day. Work was just one little fire after another. Nothing major, mind you, just lots of little "do it now!" sort of stuff. Surprisingly I feel like I got a lot done, which is not usually the case when I am putting out fires all day. Those days seem like I never even touch my to do list. Speaking of work, I just might get my raise (knock on wood). The boss lady pulled me out and aside the other day and said she was working on it and that she has a bit of hope, a glimmer of light. Don't count on it, of course, but it did sound encouraging. I hadn't expected it to be mentioned again until my mid year review at the end of the month so I am taking this as a good sign. She also sang my praises which is always nice to hear. Could just be buttering me up for the big NO, who knows, but it is nice to be told you are doing a good job and that it's appreciated.

After work the little guy and I ran errands which included the drug store for allergy medicine for him. This spring has been terrible for us both. I am stuffy even after I have taken a pill. The poor little guy has woken up two morning in a row all stuffed and eyes red and itchy. He refuses the liquid medicine and doesn't yet know how to swallow a pill so we got him some melt in your mouth ones. Thankfully he is quite impressed with them and took it with ease. Phew...I was not looking forward to a daily battle over taking it for the next couple weeks. Summer everything eases up again and we can stop them for a while, until fall anyhow.

I was very excited when I got home today and discovered a package that M had mailed to me. A good book...the Clarkson one over there on my consuming list..and a hand dandy pocket sized fold up chart to keep track of the World Cup. I am addicted. Blasted time zones keep me from watching many games since they are played at 9, 12 and 3 my time but I have the BBC text commentary running all day long on my computer at work. USA didn't fare well in their first match and don't have a whole lot of hope in the match on Saturday against Italy but I will there cheering all the same. My second pick, in honor of M, is England. :) They have gotten through to the next round with a win today! Bit rough ahead though as they will face Germany or Ecuador in the next round, both of whom are playing well. Won't know till next week which one they face. That is the part of this all that has me soooo hooked. It lasts so long. One match is great but this big worldwide competition going on for weeks. Just very cool. I am a huge Olympics fan too. I just simply love good competition especially if I can understand the game...well and not bored to tears like baseball on TV. Love hockey but only the finals and usually only if the Wings are in it. I am not a huge sports watcher I just like the games when it's down to the wire, to that must win situation...good competition.

Other notes from the day...had company for dinner. My friend came by and fixed my bike tires for me. It seemed so easy to do that I got the inner tubes to do it myself but then chickened out and asked her to come do it for me if I cooked her dinner. Turned out to be as easy as I thought but I had simply never done it and never seen it done so I had little faith that I could manage it on my own. Next time I will. This, of course, means I no longer have any excuse not to ride it for exercise. *sigh* I know I should. I know I can. I know I will feel better for it. I just don't want to. I feel like the little engine that could...I think I can...I think I can...I think I can. Hopefully tomorrow I will be over the hill and chanting...I thought I could. :)

Ok...off to listen to the Archers and then bed.

Wednesday, June 14

Failed

Failed on the darn diet again. Yeah it did feel soooo good there for a while but alas I have yet again fallen off the wagon. *sigh* I suck at will power. Simply suck at it. Gonna have to give it a go again as I am quite disgusted with myself and my brown pants are too tight. I have too few clothes as it is to go and having some not fit. Then the little guy said I have a fat belly! Truth hurts. Then I was weighed at the Doctor's office last week. That was awful. 4 pounds sigh of my highest ever weight. Disgusting. No, I am not telling what the weight was. No. So tomorrow morning we begin anew. Healthy foods in healthy portions and exercise. I hate exercise. I bought new inner tubes for my bike though so I have no excuse not to ride. Well, once I actually put the tubes on and pump them up. *sigh* Yeah, gonna try to do it tonight. Did I mention I hate exercise?

Ok, pep talk. I will feel better, not only physically but I will feel better about myself as well. I will not die from exercise. I will feel as beautiful as M always says I am. I will have more energy. I will set a good example for my kidlets. I will not feel quite so uneasy about that first meeting with M. I can do this. I will do this. I have to do this.

Especially because if I top my all time highest weight I will have to crawl under a rock and hide. If I fit.

Labels: Diet

Tuesday, June 13

Turtles and doughnuts

Do you remember long ago and far away when you used to dream of that perfect mate? Mine was smart, of course, and funny. I grew up in a house where laughter wasn't rare but it wasn't common either. I remember telling my girlfriends that a sense of humor was way up on the list of required qualities. He must be able to make me laugh and make me smile with a small comment or a private joke just between the two of us. That private joke is a big measure of closeness to me for some reason. Maybe because it shows a bit of intimacy laced with pure fun. What could be sweeter? Oh yes, he has to adore me. Love me, naturally, but I wanted to be adored. Cherished. I wanted my mate to feel the love I have for him and hold it dearly in his heart, cherishing it for the gift that love truely is. He'd be successful. Confident in his own abilities and have the drive to use them to take himself to the top. Cute too. I mean let's be honest here, as much as they go on and on about loving a person for what is on the inside an attraction to the outside is still very necessary for a good relationship. Who wants to look at a person for the rest of their life and every day think...hmmm...not so hot. Sexy goes right in here.....mmhmmm. He has to be able to recognize desire in my eyes and know just what to do about it. Did I cover it all...smart, funny, successful, confident, cute, sexy. Compassionate and understanding. I am far from perfect! He's going to have to be understanding when I make mistakes and compassionate if I suffer because of them. Oh and patient! Ohh yes, there's a biggy! I have a stubborn streak a mile wide that he's going to have to deal with.

The grown up version sees a few other requirements that I have discovered I need in my life. Confidence fits here but applies to so much more than his career. Confidence, strength and a dominating personality. Dominance and my submission to it. I think that's a whole other post to explore but since I am listing those must have qualities this is one of them. He has to be able to dominate my stubborn, independant nature in such a way that we don't lose sight of the woman I am in and of myself. Spirituality. I want him to know God and to see the power that God can have over our lives if we just let him in.

Sounds like a tall order doesn't it? It is. I have settled for less far to often and need to remind myself of the things I have thought important in a mate. I have thought quite alot about this. The old, little girl dreams and the womanly needs and desires must be satisfied if I am to hope for any kind of happiness for the rest of my life.

Thursday, June 8

How not to steal a sidekick!

Here is an interesting read for you. This guy is on a quest to get his friends stolen sidekick back. Have a look

Wednesday, June 7

We're all just human and we're people too!

Tonight I had to attend the "SMILE" program, a requirement for all divorcing persons with minor children. Start Making It Liveable for Everyone. Instead of being helpful and informative it was a lesson in common sense. I am amazed that there are so many people with out simple common sense that the state has decided that it has to step in and make a mandatory lesson of it. Well, not mandatory really just strongly recommended and said that not attending can adversely affect your court case. The information was so general that I can't see how anyone in the room walked away without feeling as if they had just lost two hours of their time for no reason. The information was simple stuff like...don't use your kids against one another and don't fight in front of them, don't tell them more than they need to know, don't lie to them. I know there are divorcing couples out there that don't focus on making it easy for the kids but I honestly don't think that this program is going to have them walking out saying to themselves.."Goodness I have been going about it all wrong!!". It is more likely to have people walking out thinking oh that's not me! The presenters even said so over and over again, how none of this is probably happening to you but you just never know what the future will bring since "we're all human and we're all people too". Umm excuse me?

Then there was a video. All these poor kids telling how awful their parents were before, during and after the divorce. How they would hide in a closet or listen at the door. How they'd take little sister to her room so she wouldn't hear the fights. On and on about how terrible it was. It was a two hour long guilt trip. I am not perfect...I have fought in front of my kids. It's why I left. I didn't want them in that kind of household. He was mean, cruel and abusive. I guess perhaps someone did need to attend this little program. No, he didn't go. His reason? He was waiting on a phone call.(Note: he has a cell phone)

I am sure someone out there needed to hear what was said at this thing but it's just sad that there is a need for it at all. No matter what the situation is, no matter the reasons for divorce you have to make the kids the most important concern. Continuing to fight does no one any good. I left a man who abused me, cheated on me and lied to me. I have every right to hate his guts and every reason to fight with him. I could have taken everything from him in this divorce. I took nothing except custody of my child and even there he has open visitation. My son is far more important than any need I may have to continue hating his father. I wish the divorce wasn't necessary but it was. I have to make the best of a terrible thing.

I wish everyone could put the kids first. Settle everything nice and civil. I suppose as much of a waste of time that session was it may have benefited someone out there and shown them that they need to quit fighting the inevitable and just move forward.

Sunday, June 4

100 things about me (a.k.a. a cure for insomnia)

1. I was born on September 16, 1970
2. My mom was so sure I was a girl that she filled out the birth announcements, name and all before I was born.
3. My name is spelled wrong. It's Deanna...no, not dee-anna...it's dean-na!
4. I never went to kindergarten. Then in first grade the evaluated me and wanted to push me up a grade. Mom said no. Good thing too cuz I ended up being the youngest and shortest in my grade anyway, imagine if I had skipped a grade. I'd have been a freak!
5. I am 4' 10 3/4" inches tall. Yes, 3/4...every little bit counts when you are short.
6. I despise being patted on the head and being called cute.
7. I wore a size 0 in high school.
8. I don't anymore.
9. I love to read.
10. Senior year of high school I was voted "Most likely to be found with her nose in a book"
11. Yes, I'm a geek. (For proof refer to 9, 10, 12, 13, 16, 21, 44)
12. I started playing online when all you could really do was email and visit BBS's.
13. I built a computer from scratch once. (and was surprised it didn't explode)
14. I love Dave Matthews Band far to much.
15. Yeah, I'd do him.
16. I am a history nut. I love walking into a really old place and find myself in awe of the passage of time. Who walked here before me? What were they like? How did they live? Who did they love?
17. I can read a book....no matter the length..in one sitting. I don't often get time to do so but I adore it when I do.
18. I'm a mom. I have three wonderful boys. They give me reason to get up in the morning. Although a bit later in the morning would be oh so lovely.
19. I am a nightowl.
20. I love math. I actually got excited when my middle son needed math homework help.
21.
22. I adore museums. Any type.
23. I can get lost for hours in a book store and still walk out with nothing.
24. I love to write. I keep a journal on and off and would really love to try to write an actual novel someday.
25. I want to retire to the English countryside in a little house with roses around the door. Cobblestone would just be icing on the cake.
26. I hate housework and will hire a housekeeper as soon as I possible can. (I can dream can't I??)
27. I want a strong, confident man to take care of me. (feminism be damned)
28. Once a month I go completely insane. Beware.
30. I love to swim.
31. I hate to exercise.
32. I have auburn hair that comes from a box. Shhhhh don't tell anyone!
33. I haven't the foggiest idea what my natural haircolor looks like anymore. Someone in the range of mousy brown. Eww.
34. I have green eyes..sometimes. They change with my mood. Hey..I have mood eyes!
35. I am having a lot of trouble completing this list. Is it cheating to leave this one on as one thing about me?
36. I really like Lindemans Shiraz. (brb need more)
37. I've been divorced twice. Well, as of June 19, 2006 I will be.
38. I believe in God.
39. I believe the Bible is true. All of it. Not just the parts that are politically correct.
40. I am allergic to Bactrim. This is new. I will never, ever, ever, ever take this drug again.
41. I love Shakespeare.
42. I refuse to see Romeo and Juliet performed anywhere but in the Globe. I must see it there.
43. I cannot spell worth a damn. Thank you GOD for spell check!
44. I love to solve puzzles, problems and such. I get a high from settling in with something that needs figuring out. (yeah, adding it to the geek list)
45. I am allergic to the sun.
46. I am terrible at scrabble. Really, really terrible. So bad that the 14 year old beats me EVERY time...and has for years.
47. I do not play any sport in which the ball comes directly at me because chances are that I will not catch it and will instead, be hit by it.
48. I love getting flowers.
49. I wear glasses and have since I was ten.
50. I think watching baseball on TV is just about as exciting as watching paint dry. Almost.
51. I hate spiders.
52. Not so crazy about bugs in general.
53. I really don't like to garden. I will plant and tend to what needs doing but to do it for enjoyment baffles me.
54. If medicines say "may cause drowsiness" I will be unconscious in 20 minutes. Guaranteed.
55. I adored being pregnant.
56. I would really like to lose some weight.
57. My favorite food is pizza. Pizza with pepperoni and peprochini. Yum.
58. I actually like spinach.
59. I am lactose intolerant.
60. Right now my hair is the longest I have ever let it grow in my entire life.
61. I would love to have it fall to my waist.
62. I am a picky eater. I never used to think so but have been told I am.
63. I disagree with that opinion. I think I have a pretty wide range of tastes
64. I hate to be alone. I don't like to shop alone, walk alone, sit alone etc. I don't have to be constantly entertained but I want someone near me.
65. I am a coffee snob. I adore good coffee.
66. I love sex. Adore it. Crave it. Want it often.
67. I love conversation. Good friends over dinner, just M and I, a stranger in the grocery line...I love to talk to people.
68. My favorite TV shows are ER and CSI.
69. I love the small and taste of cinnamon.
70. I love listening to BBC radio.
71. I moved six times during my school years.
72. I was very shy in school.
73. I have to really push myself to get to know people.
74. I have lived in Michigan all my life.
75. I don't go barefoot outdoors unless I absolutely have to.
76. I'd love to have another baby.
77. All three of mine were delivered by c-section.
78. The first time I labored for 16 hours with NO progress.
79. I love the smell of cut wood or a wood fire.
80. I graduated from high school in 1988
81. I have taken a load of college classes but no degree yet.
82. I am not yet sure of what I want to be when I grow up.
83. I am a procrastinator.
84. I don't have a lot of patience when I want something.
85. I subscribe to two magazines: Readers Digest and Time.
86. My favorite magazines are Scientific American and The Atlantic Monthly.
87. By heritage, I am Russian (maternal Grandmother) Romanian (maternal Grandfather), and French Canadian(must be Dad's side).
88. I get my news online.
89. I love Google Earth...it is so neat to zero in right on my little apartment.
90. I am living on my own again. Second time ever.
91. I am not real fond of it.
92. I wish I had learned to play an instrument.
93. I wanted to play the flute but chose not to because I was getting braces.
94. I never got braces.
95. I can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue.
96. I have a cat, Patches, and she was born in my sock drawer in 1987.
97. I am not real fond of dogs. Other peoples dogs are great.
98. I love to play pool and shoot darts. I suck at pool but and fair at darts.
99. I have two brothers and one sister. We aren't close.
100. I love my Mom. She did the best she could do in raising me and I love her for it.

Wow I am done!!!! Excellent. That was harder than I expected it to be.

Friday, June 2

4!

How do you lose four jobs in the span of three months? Somehow "it just didn't work out" sounds pretty damn lame about now. My ex has just told me today that he lost yet another job. I hate that I have to depend on child support from him but I simply do. Well, I can't actually because the moron can't hold a job long enough to get caught up on it. I think he failed the drug test this time. He worked a solid week for a trial period and on Friday they awarded him the job saying how well he'd done. Then they sent him for a physical and drug test. Come Monday the let him go. "It just didn't work out" *sigh*

So, now that he can't hold down one I will have to hold down two. I am going to go job hunting on Saturday. Maybe I can pick up a waitressing job a few nights a week. I have to do something I can't go on living like this. So stressed and anxious about paying the bills.

Thursday, June 1

What's wrong with this picture?

1. It's completely unfair that I can't fall asleep that easily anymore!

2. He left chocolate on his plate!