My new favorite place
I went to work on Friday and as I was walking in I saw this green things wrapped in plastic. It had a note on it that said, "Free Camp Chair". Excellent, I thought. I needed another chair for my deck. I wanted a camp chair to take places easily. So, I grabbed it and tossed it in the trunk of my car. Today, middle man discovered it and pulled it out. WOW...I thought it was simply a chair I didn't expect a lounger. I had been thinking a week or so ago that I really wanted a lounge chair on my deck in which I could sit with my head leaned back and read. This chair is absolutley perfect. It is my new favorite spot in the whole wide world. I spent a good solid two hours this evening in it. A glass of wine and a book....ohh what heaven. I felt so relaxed and content I was a bit amazed. Goodness gracious I think I may even be happy. Are you ok? Have you fainted from shock? I do. I feel happy. The future's so bright I may have to wear shades. (sorry, had to say it!)
I did it
I did it. I asked for a raise. I asked for a promotion and I asserted the fact that the new girl isn't going to take over when has been offered to me. I made myself known. I made my intentions known. Oh goo dgolly I did it. I am so not good at this. I honestly have never asked for a raise before. Well, that's not entierly true. I did raise my day care rates that once but that just doesn't feel the same. They had no choice but to pay it. Here I have to ask and hope.
I doubt I will get the promotion. The new girl is honestly more qualified than I am. My opportunity will come I just don't think this is it. The raise I will find out when I hit my 6 month mark from my hire in date. June 30, 2006. I have to "stay prayed up". Shawn at work says that all the time and cracks me up.
I'm glad I did it.
We'll see.
The good, the bad and the pretty
Let's start with the pretty since I am still not sure if the good exists today. I went to a thrift store today and bought three new skirts. Naturally I don't have any tops for any of them but they are sooooo cute. A long brown one that buttons all the way up the front and has this cool embroidery work down the each side along the buttons. I will have to take this one with me shopping for tops because ideally I need a little short sleeve t-shirt kinda thing in the darker brown color of the embroidered flowers. I got a short white one with this little tiny black flowery pattern on it...it's subtle and very pretty. I can probably wear this one with my white blouse but I think it would look much better with black on top. That should be easy enough to find. The last one is a bit longer, just past the knee and is black with a real fine pattern of cream flowers and two shades of green vines...it also has a cream stitched edge along the bottom so I am thinking a cream top with this one. I do have a cream sweater set but it's a bit to clingy for this tummy as of yet. There were loads of great skirts in this store I will have to go back. I did look for tops as well but my...err..ample upper body made everything they had a bit tight.
The bad...well is actually the good as well now that I think about it. I filed the final papers for the divorce today. The hearing date is set for June 19th. It's good because I will finally be free of that abusive son of a bitch. It is good. Really it is. It's just that no matter how right it is to end things it's still sad and I still feel like such a failure. I know I tried my best to make the marriage work. I know it's the abusive that he refused to admit or change that caused it to fall apart. Knowing these things makes it no easier to face life alone again.
waiting
I don't like to be alone. I never have. I don't like to eat alone, go places alone, drink alone...nothing. I envy people who can take such pleasure in time away from everyone else. This weekend all the kids are gone. I've been alone since Friday evening. It's quite miserable and much to large a dose than I can handle. I talked to ex #1 and he says wow you have a break! you have a free weekend! I don't want one. I want kids underfoot, I want someone to talk to. I want to cook for someone. Sit with someone. I'd even take argueing with someone over this. I went for a walk..alone. Felt like everyone was looking at me and thinking....ohh poor sap has no one to walk with.
I don't want to spend my life alone and yet that's just what I have decided to do isn't it. That living on my own is better than living the soon to be ex #2. It is. Really it is. I just miss having someone there. Granted it was like talking to a wall half of the time but even that seems better than this sometimes.
I read an entire book yesterday. I ate terribly. I drank to much. I felt sorry for myself. I was mean to someone who loves me. I was miserable. Seeing everything at it's darkest. I do have a talent for that. I've been told I don't see the world right. That I see all the dark and none of the light sometimes. I suppose it's true enough and I chasten myself often and tell myself that so many others have it so much worse. Worse lives, worse troubles. Makes mine seem so small when I look at it all like that. Doesn't make me feel any better, of course, just guilty for feeling bad.
I think the biggest thing that troubles me is being alone. It scares me so much that I will be always. That I'll never have a healthy relationship with a man that makes me happy. The kids will grow and have lives of their own...the older two have already begun to pull away from me. I am not the center of their world anymore. They have friends and places to go and be that don't include me. They should, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want anything less for them. It's just that it leaves me feeling a little lost. I have lived for my kids for as long as I can remember and if that's gone what do I hold on to next?
I don't know how to live for myself. I have always been living to meet someone elses needs or expectations of me. There are things that I want in life, things I want to do, places I want to go...but it all seems so distant that I can't grab on to it and let it guide me on my way. I just feel so very trapped by circumstance. I can see the future I desire but I have no power to grab on to it and make it mine. It's like I am still, and always will be waiting for my life to begin.
Square glasses
The first day back to work after being unexpectedly out is awful. I was so busy and felt like I was playing catch up all day. Naturally this was the day that one of the big bosses decided to pay a visit. I did get a lot done but there is just so much more to do still.
I am drinking tonight from a square glass :) So wonderful are the simple joys aren't they. My wonderful boys bought me square drinking glasses for Mother's day. What makes this so terribly special? They remembered. I loved my ex mother-in-law's square drinking glasses and have looked in several stores in hopes of finding some and have never prevailed. They did. Oh they did. Making it all the more perfect is that they got me four tall ones and three short. "That's all they had" It's just so wonderfully sweet and made me feel so very loved. It was a thoughtful gift that pleased me solely because they showed such care in remembering something I haven't mentioned in probably well over a year at least. I love them. They are precisely what I have always looked for and so very much more. I guess maybe, perhaps, I'm not doing half as bad a job as I thought in teaching them to be kind and thoughtful.
on the mend at last
Finally I have woken up and feel a little better. Not 100% yet but definitely on the way now. A full week sick is plenty long enough for me. It's made me think of mom a lot this week too. She has to suffer with illness everyday for the rest of her life. How does one cope with that?
The kids are hiding from me this morning since I have announced it's chore day. The house has suffered with my illness and it's time to get things back in order now. Maybe I'll give them till noon and rest a bit more myself. :) If we manage it all today I'll reward us with stirfry for dinner and a rental movie. Yeah, big spender eh! Such is life these days.
The little guy has just announced he is wearing shorts today. It's 49 degrees outside and raining! I was about to argue with him but luckily checked his drawers first. Nope, not one pair of clean long pants. *sigh* I feel like such a slacker mom. So, shorts it is and laundry is top of the chore list. Now that I think about I am fairly certain there aren't any clean towels for a shower either. *groan* Gonna be such a fun day.
Feelings for the day
misery: My cold has turned into a sinus infection and I am feeling terrible.
stress: Money is tight and doctors cost money. The oldest wants money for a school trip. No child support for four weeks now. Work is overwhelmingly busy and although I did manage to settle the crisis that has hung over me since Monday morning there is just so much to be done that I went in today feeling like the walking dead just so I wouldn't fall behind. I don't know if I can do it again tomorrow if I don't feel any better.
exaustion: I can't sleep. I wake up as soon as the medicine begins to wear off. I just don't sleep well in general and feeling like my head is full of cotton...very heavy cotton...doesn't make it any easier.
awe: My love sent me this picture of the woods he walks in. The ground is covered in blue bells and the sun is peeking through the trees. It's an awesome image of God's ability to create beauty in nature. Takes my breath away, I can hardly imagine how it will feel when I can join him next spring and see it for myself. His arm around my shoulders, love in my heart and the beauty of God all around us.
I. Am. Still. Sick.
It's all moved up into my head oh joy.
On another note...work kind of sucks. They have hired someone to do most of the work I had believed I would be taking over and that would in turn lead to a promotion. Now I get the great joy of sitting down with my manager and asking her what in the world is going on. I am so not the patient sort to just wait and see how it all plays out because what if I keep my mouth shut and this newbie comes in and sweeps up the job I wanted? It's not looking well actually as this person has worked with the company before, has better experience and a degree to boot. *sigh*
Work has been so busy as well...I have barely a moment to breath let alone pull some thoughts together to go in and ask about a raise and my future there. I can hold my own once I am in the midst of a confrontation, good or bad, but I am not so good at stepping forward to create one. Had a crisis this week that I have handled rather well I think but still...I stepped up when needed I didn't raise the issues myself. Maybe I wouldn't make such a hot leader afterall. I did give it some deep consideration when I was in team lead temporarily....it's new and I haven't any experience to back myself up. I'm honestly not sure I can handle it just now. Likely one day I can...just not sure I am there now. Low self esteem or just reality? I'm just not sure.
The little man has made friends with the neighbor girl. It's sweet...he's such a boy and she is this little red headed skirt wearing girl. Such opposites in so many ways but they found friendship in rolly polly bugs today and had such fun with one another. He's been invited to her birthday party which thrilled him and then made him whine about how it's "never my birthday". I had a chat with girly's mom and she seems nice which makes the whole play together thing a bit easier. Nothing worse than a playmate having the
perfect mom sort.
Time for medication. *sniffle*
blah
Did I say I was feeling better? I lied. Blah. I Hate being sick.
Yea...spring
What a waste of a weekend this has been. I've been sick. Sore throat, fever, headache. Yuck. I have done little else than lie on the couch. I hate being sick. Absolutely despise it and why oh why does it happen when I have things to do?! I had laundry to do, my floors need mopping, all three kids were here.
Poor things what a dull momma they had this weekend. On second thought they probably loved it. All the junk food and computer time they wanted if only they'd be quiet! I am fairly certain that middle man had a months worth of computer time this weekend but, bless his soul, he is a little more than a sick momma can handle some days. Off to a friends he went saturday afternoon. Phew. Little guy was by and large under the care of the oldest this weekend. I owe him big time.
I did discover something this weekend; that things can actually get lonelier than they already are. Nothing is worse than being sick and alone. Yes, the kids were here so technically I wasn't alone but it's not the same as having someone who loves you make you a cup of tea or to bring you a cool cloth when your head feel like it may explode. It is sort of like rubbing salt into a wound. Like life is saying seeeeeee told ya you are so very alone. I had a long pouty whiney post all about it but decided it was just a bit over the top.
I am feeling better this evening. No more fever but my throat still hurts. alot.
The highlight of the weekend is this:
Nothing says spring like the scent of lilacs. My little apartment was FILLED with their aroma all weekend. This made staying in on a beautiful weekend a bit more bearable. I do love lilacs. They are wilting a bit now as they don't last very long but I think I will wake the kids early tomorrow and see if I can't stop and snag some for my desk at work. Brighten up my little grey cube.
Woohoo
Day five. Told ya it felt like I could really do it this time. I am finally feeling better too. The first few days on this diet suck. Headaches and just generally feeling aweful while my body gets used to the idea of far fewer carbs and no sugars at all. Excercised twice so far...bike rides, four miles each time. Not to shabby! Maybe I'll fit in all those cute summer clothes yet!! No measurements or weights yet though...so no idea if anything been lost yet. (Note to self..go buy a scale)
Day two
Finally, I have made a concrete decision about getting back into shape. Can't really blame it on the baby anymore since he's four! Yeah, I have started before and failed, quit, given up, not even started. Just feels like it's time. I can't say why or how it feels different this time it just does. I don't have a scale so I can't say my weight just now but I'm going to have the girl at the gym do all the numbers for me...weighs and measures and such. I don't really have that much to loose, I just want back into my confort zone. Where I look the way I feel. Does that make sense? I feel better about myself than I look...sometimes I see myself in the mirror and I think...damn what the hell happened?! Again, it's not really that bad but it's just not me. Anyway...there it is...today is day two. We'll see how it goes.
Can I ask you a question?
Do I look easy? Honestly now, have a good look. There are pictures to the right there on flickr and down a bit there is one from the other night. Do I look like a girl who will just say "ohhhh you want sex...well come on over!!!"
What is it with the guys on yahoo? I have a couple good friends I chat with on there so I leave it on most of the time. Nightly, I get hit on. Now I don't consider myself some great beauty so what is it? Do they hit on everyone like this? And if they do are there girls out there that actualy respond to this sort of thing?
One guy the other night, he says hello. I reply in kind. Now understand I love conversation and I really enjoy talking with people so I am open to a good chat with someone new any time. A real conversation though....about actual things not just sex. I don't really like talking about sex at all. I'm a bit of a shy thing at heart and never have been able to do the cyber thing. It's just embarrassing ya know? Anyway...so the other night this guy and I exchange our hello and how do you do's and he says...."Can I ask you an inane question?" Normally here is red flag number one but he worded it curiously and so I said "Sure ask away". He goes on to ask me if I'm sure and chuckles and adds in that he's going to put on his hard hat in case I pull the "frying pan number" on his head. Now I am actually curious as to what this guy is going to ask me and finally he says this, "Do you like to look at random naked men?" I actually laughed out loud and replied, "nope". "Never?!" was the responce he squezed in before I blocked him. Did he really think I would respond with something like, "ohh yes! I just love it...can I see your thing?!?!" LOL
Ok. So, this ended up a bit of a rant...sorry about that but it does drive me a little bit insane. I just want to talk to someone. Why does it always have to be about sex?
